S!*t Instructors Say

This blog is dedicated to my instructors Denny Saunder and Shirley Green who made me who I am, a raging alcoholic but besides that a good horsemen. Along  with the  horses, ponies, clients and kids who came together as the cast and crew of my drama, I just wish some parts of this story didn't play out like a scene from War Horse. Perhaps I should conciser editing it or at least the parts that  reads like a Greek tragedy. On the other hand are those not the parts that make a story worth telling? I believe this is why Sofie got a feature film made about her choices and why I merely get to blog about S!*t.

Pony Tales:

Most valuable lessons I learned and some of S!*t my instructor said:

From the horses mouth:

Unofficial pony types:

Long before they became a horse-and-buffalo society centuries ago, the Lakota and Dakota people used to rely heavily on dogs, when they brought the first herd of ponies home they called them sacred dogs, that made me smile  as I often called the ponies I brought home "Son of a B!(@h" or" U Bastard." And I know they did as well as, otherwise Crazy Horse would have been named Gentle Breeze or something equally tranquil. Make no mistake a crazy horse is one thing  on the other hand a psychotic pony is quite another, I listed my favorites below. 

"If it bucks, it jumps!" Denton Sander. My advise is learn to sit it most riders will do this the hard way or the very hard way not because I said so but because “Gravity thou art a heartless bitch!” There is also “The Mother Bucker” pony, it has a buck that can not be sat, they are rare but they do exist. If you come across “The Mother Bucker” call a Sander they specializes in this area.

Turn “The Runner” on a small circle also known as Plan A: Throw a dough-nut. No pony can run away on a circle. It is best to circle before hitting a full gallop but “The Runner's” rider will no doubt learn this the hard way if not it will be the even harder way. There is a Plan B: In case plan A was not successfully implemented which is more often than not. Plan B is two fold the first part involves staying calm, remember that the pony will eventually get tiered, trick is to stay on until that happens. Secondly “Grab the mane!”  remember “Where the mane goes, the horse goes” as per the teachings Shirley Green.      

Never ride “The Freezer” without a crop and spurs. However should you fall into the "Bunny Hugger" category and feel it is cruel to do so therefore you would rather have your child perform “pony kicks” around the course, not only would you be wrong you are so wrong it scares me. I am of the opinion that making a kid ride this way constitutes child abuse, which brings me to our next contender.

There are advantages to riding a "Lazy Bastard" pony as far as first ponies go the "Lazy Bastard" is a good solid choice as it is far easier to move a pony forward that to stop a "Runner" with a terrified child on top. Nevertheless, riding is suppose to be fun and this cannot be achieved without a crop. In fact, attempting to ride a "Lazy Bastard" without a crop will not be riding so much as sitting there. Thus enter again the infamous “Pony Kick.”

For those of you who may be strangers to the aid called the "Pony kick" I submit exhibit A: Natasha Holiday on a random "Lazy Bastard" performing a textbook "P.K." a maneuverer all kids at one point or another have to perform, normally it will be in those lessons where they show up without a crop. The "Lazy Bastard" is a one way kids learn not to do that.

Not a novice ride notwithstanding quite often these ponies can be super talented and go very far when matched with the correct rider. Generally the spooky type pony will be more sensitive to change or downright nervous about things as random as the weather.  Spooky ponies can easily become Runners and/or Shysters and our next problem is the result and a sub-category "Types of riders"

When the rider and pony both have "Crazy eyes", it will not end well most likely in another lesson learned the hard way. "Don't Panic Ride!" sound advice Shirley gave me in all my early "Denny Lessons" If you are not though, ponies will make you though. They are simply not for sissy's.

When you have nervous riders, riding spooky ponies it is only natural that shying will be the pony’s next move. The more relaxed the rider the better their chances will be of staying on "The Shyster" point of fact the chances that the pony will not shy at all should greatlyincrease as well as.

"The Stopper" are trained to do so in much the same way that show jumpers are trained not to do it. Habitual bad riding of school ponies will guarantee this particular vice unless of course the local instructor has half a brain. Happenstance that a pony suddenly starts stopping, alarm bells should be riming, look for pain! More than likely it will be feet or back pain but it could be any number of things

My grandfather told my mother "Never trust a horse dealer", he was not wrong.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Do Pilate's! If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Pilate's would be it. The long term benefits of Pilate's for riders have been proven by scientists. Believe me, if you are a good rider, doing Pilate's will make you a great one. Off course this is merely my advice. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing from the past while painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. However, trust me on Pilate's.                                                                                                                                                                            songwriters: Nigel Swanston / Timothy Cox / Everybody's Free lyrics © Peermusic (Uk) Ltd., PEERMUSIC III LTD

Follow the link below

Upright and uptight: the invention of posture 

Barbie

If you look like she does on a horse you should get off and DO PILATE'S! Seriously do lots of it for at least two possibly three months before getting back on a horse. It should  be clear to anyone with eyes that Barbie can not ride "shit off a shovel" so please lets all refrain from using Barbie as any form of yardstick for riding.

Responsible Breeding      03/03/2019

I believe in Planned Parenthood,  since the dawn of time the human race has bred horses according to our needs at a specific point in time. All modern breeds' find their origins in two types of horses, a pony living on the steppe grasslands of Mongolia and Arabians the desert horses of the East. Trough selective breeding we made them bigger (Draft horses are cold-blooded) then faster (thoroughbreds are hot blooded), getting creative along the way with color in breeds such as Appaloosa's and even introducing extra gates as is the case with the Tennessee Trotting horse and American Saddles. Whether it be for work or recreation, humans are responsible for every single breed of a horse walking the face of the earth today. We changed the course of their evolution and genetically engineered them to suit our needs. The connection between man and horse is equal to the connection that man has with dogs. We cultivated these connections with purpose and function in mind. For instance, as a rule, we do not consider dogs or horses to be food, yet cows and sheep are delicious after all it is what they are bred for, sustenance.I imagine that when man and horses first gazed into each other eyes, the man thought "perhaps you could be useful to me as more than a meal" while the horse was thinking "Man, I will become essential to you, but first, you will have to catch me"

As the centuries flashed by, we trained horses for war and built civilizations on their backs. Genghis Khan, was so serious about the importance of ponies in his quest to concur the world that any man found eating before feeding and watering his horse, was executed on the spot. Mr. Chan was a good horseman, as a person he had some issues nevertheless the conquered most of the known world with a hoard of barbarians on a herd of psychotic ponies, a tip of the proverbial hat to that.Since then we bred with horses that we were particularly fond of, moreover with horses that were particularly fond of us. As a result, we genetically engineered the horse to have a deep sense of purpose and a willingness to serve. We bred horses to be loyal, honest, and courageous, faithful and forgiving, All the qualities we require in a good friend and companion consequently we should never forget our responsibility to the horse. "While you are staring into the abyss, the abyss is also staring into you" Friedrich Nietzsche (philosopher, author) meaning in this case while humans were manipulating equine DNA they were also manipulating ours.The connection between Man and Horse is more than skin deep they are part of our evolution and without horses playing an essential part in civilization I fear we may have lost a much-needed component in order to be truly "Human."

Recently someone asked me if horses actually feel the weight they carry and while the answer is "Hell yes they do" if you don't believe me we can test the hypothesis by you going on all fours while I jump on your back for a quick canter in the deep sand. Then you tell me if you felt me up there, okay?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Size does matter, on the other hand so do style and technique. Shirley always said, "No matter how much of cowboy you are, you ride like a princess." We do not all look like swizzle sticks, however you have to be in control of your body, be aware not to mount like a ton of bricks try light as a feather instead. Also and I cannot stress this enough  your horse is not your "Lazy Boy!" Unless of course you named your horse Lazy Boy, in which case you will be going to hell for that. Seriously it is embarrassing entering a show arena as "Lazy Boy” or as your other ride named "Barcalounger."  Daft hose names are embarrassing for the majestic and noble horse. However, as annoying as "ridiculous horse names" are they are irrelevant to the point I am making in this post which is "Ride there after get off!"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    A competitive horse needs twenty minutes of proper work four times a week plus an outride for a change of scenery. Remember that you are not on the Olympic "Sitting there" team hence there is no need to be on your horses back for hours. Become a considerate rider one that looks at the "going” which is the condition of the terrain before galloping off into the sunset. Be conscientious about things akin to feet and teeth. Be sensitive to the amount of wear and tear on your horse’s joints before riding on hard ground. Newton's third law of motion applies here "For every action of the rider there is an opposite but equal reaction from the horse."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              At a stage in my riding career my lessons on Sweet Enchantment with Denny lasted 15 minutes, hearing Denny say, "Put her away" was no longer music to my ears. When I asked him, "What the hell, Denny?" he said, "Ginni the mare is doing everything asked of her.  Why would you want to push her for an hour when she has done the job in 15 minutes?"  Food for thought nonetheless on the flip-side should horse and/or rider not deliver in a Denny lesson God help them because no one else could. There would be no putting anything away for as long as it took to get the job done and that could take a notoriously long time.

Captain Drake and the "Grandma Sweetie"4/13/2019

I have never been a follower of the psychic animal communication phenomenon or let me rather say I had no need for it as my horses spoke to me the same way they spoke to each other. Nevertheless, desperate times called for desperate measures.                                                                                                                                                          As a result, while rehabilitating Captain Drake’s sacroiliac injury when the opportunity to consult with a well-known Animal Psychic presented itself, I graciously accepted. If necessity is the mother of invention, then desperation is another mother.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               I was a skeptic therefore deciding not offer up any information, in other words, I talked less and listened more. Everything she told me she could have picked up in a perceptive "mentalist" kind of fashion, except for the last item Drake asked her for.  Apparently he told her someone once gave him a sweetie and he in fact would liked another and the best way she could describe it was "They taste of eucalyptus". My jaw dropped, as I knew exactly what she meant, however, there was no bloody way she could know about the XXX sweets dished out by a former client whose foal had a taste for them. I had forgotten all about that until she said, "He is making me taste eucalyptus"                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Make no mistake; I reevaluated some of my believes that day subsequently I returned to the yard armed with XXX sweets, as there was a time to be skeptical although that time had clearly passed.  As I unrolled, the packet XXX sweets Drake seemed interested enough hence I offered him one. He sniffed, it disappeared off my outstretched hand there was an awkward silence, then I heard a cracking sound moments later he spat a perfectly halved XXX sweet at my feet. Nothing cryptic about what he was saying there less is truly more.        My mother was never for lack of a better term a "horsey mother" however if Drake asked for sweets then doggone it, he was going to get sweets. Except my mother bought a bag full of the musk flavored ones and I did not have the heart to tell her. As a result, there was a lengthy yet one-sided conversation where I explained all about grandma to Drake and that he was just going to have to deal with it she meant well. Again, I unrolled a packet, and offered him the musk flavor XXX  sweet from my flat hand.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         If there is only one perfect moment in a horse’s life then, I am pleased to say I was part of that perfect moment for Captain Drake. His eyes lit up and I swear he smiled from ear to ear a sight you do not see every day and just like that; the "Grandma Sweetie" was born. Drake was pleased and let me assure you he was determent to show my non-horsey mother exactly how he felt about Grandma and the sweets she brought into his life. The next time she visited the stables for a social gathering, which was, months later, Captain Drake followed her like a very large overbearing shadow. He showed his appreciation by nibbling her hair and randomly breathing on her neck in addition just in case she still did not fully comprehend the level of his gratitude he made it clear by dipping his nose in her wine then politely wiping it on her shirt because the “Grandma Drinky Drink” tasted less like eucalyptus.

Fodder 16/05/19

Sow It, Grow It, Feed It.

Desperation breeds brilliance! Believe you me, no place in South Africa will make a horse owner more desperate for grass than the Kouga area in the Eastern Cape. What should have been alarm bells ringing was all the dairy farms around this area. Trust me, you do not want to compete with a dairy farmer for grazing they measure their paddocks, no seriously with a ruler before they let the cows in. Considering how much kinder cows are on grazing as appose to horses than this action seems a bit fanatical and there you go welcome to the Eastern Cape!"

Owning a horse has become along with fuel and alcohol rather ridiculously expensive consequently pricing the activity out the reach of the very people who desperately need contact with horses in order to function as human beings. I have mentioned my feelings about Henry Ford in the past, the automobile has made us lazy and unable to connect to anything bar the Internet.

I digress, the point is supposed there is a way of feeding horses at a fraction of the cost moreover being altogether healthier whereby eliminating food related colic’s. What if I told you it is possible to feed 10 horses for a month at the cost of a bag of oats? Imagine a 80% digestible food, high in roughage and low GI in other words the equivalent of riding a horse in show condition however one you can stay on it long enough to finish your test.

In a perfect world every child would receive a pony at birth, imagine if little Hitler rode a Shetland as a child, he may still have become a monster nevertheless the rest of would have had the joy of knowing a pony put him on his ass as a child. As for Chengis Khan who did receive a pony at birth, well, he learned to ride and conquered the world.

The upkeep of horses has always been an expensive exercise, it gave the sport a sense of elitism, which frankly is what most people do not enjoy about it. If only the industry would rally by changing the way we feed horses in order to make it more affordable, whereby showing the way forward to a next generation of riders.